Where to start? That’s always the question, isn’t it?
I can think of a hundred things, pouring from my tired and frazzled brain. Awash with emotions from sadness to rage. Injustice, guilt, grief.
It’s a hard thing to come to terms with only being able to be half the person you feel you should or could be. Only ever having half the energy. Half a mum. Half a wife. Half a friend. Half a person.
Half. On a good day.
Half I’ve learned to cope with. Not accept. I’ll never accept the loss of strength, of independence. Do you know what gets me? Of all the things I struggle to do- It’s the decorating. Ten years ago I’d have blitzed the house. Painted the ceilings, wallpapered the bedroom. I’d have dragged all the furniture around and had it done in time for when my hubby got home. I’d have had a stupid grin on my face when he saw my days efforts. Ta-Dah!!! I’d have loved every second of it. Sweating my arse off to get it looking good. I loved being capable. Today I don’t have the energy to hoover or wash up. I just want to sleep. Because some days half isn't enough.
My lovely cousins have booked a meal tonight. I’ll go. I’ll enjoy it. I’ll be ill for a week, trying to regain the extra energy I’ve expended that I don’t actually have. Just prolonging this latest relapse.
I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. I’m sick and tired of saying how tired I am. And I’m sure everyone is sick and tired of me saying I’m sick and tired.
You get my drift?
My latest miracle cure is Low Dose Naltrexone. As always I’m convinced. I need the hope. My doctor spent about 5 seconds researching it to say no. LDN not actually a thing. It's not even off-label a thing. So now I’m waiting for a private doctor to call me to see if it's available that way. If they told me horseshit was the way forward I’d dive right in. I think I’d do anything at this point to be more than half.
To decorate. To go on holiday. To exercise. To have the energy for my kids. My husband, Myself. To walk my dog and ride my bike. To get through each day without needing to sleep. To enjoy a meal and drinks without ruining myself for weeks afterward.
So that’s what this rant is called. Half. 
